I had a long conversation with Christian after practice yesterday; I think he has good insights both because he is a friend/nice guy who has known me for many years, but also because he is doing some coaching now, and has given some thought to performance. I talked with him about my frustrations with the season so far and also what lies ahead…. Partially it was nice to just vent, but we got beyond that and I learned some real lessons.
First, he is
unwaveringly positive and happy, I wish I could bottle some of that up and keep it with me! We talked about my fencing and he described me as one of the top 5 fencers in the country and probably the #2 competitor (I won’t name who he said is first!). He said that when I’m really on, and confident and tough, and believing in myself no one can beat me.
Second, a good thing that Christian pointed out to me, and which should be obvious but wasn’t: is that
I already have all the tools and ability to make good results because I’ve done it before. I haven’t forgotten anything, I’m physically strong and fast. Only thing missing is the mental aspect, the confidence, and the ability to stay in the moment one touch at a time. Okay, so maybe the power of positive thinking feels a little fake-y to me, but I think more of the KILLER instinct I can try to harness. La rage: but not an emotional/personal kind. Just a good blooded/ruthless kind of vibe. I still stand by 212 as my anthem for this.
Third, he drew my attention to more of the SPORTS side of it (confidence, swagger, touch, feel, trusting in abilities) – I think I’ve been getting lost in the GAME (too much tactic, too much strategy, too much video review). I think I might be actually having a case of too much effort, overthinking it, forcing it, something that a lot of sportswriters talk about, but that is hard to put a finger on. I think it relates to the whole self 1 /self 2….like too much verbal chatter about FIXING things (point first, hand/foot timing, foot tempo, action selection etc etc) and not enough kinesthetic/physical just letting it flow. Right now I have thought myself into a rut. So I need to FEEL or WILL or AMP myself out of it.
This last point was made clear to me earlier in the night when I did three3 5s with someone at practice, and on the 2nd bout, I tried to be REALLY selective, really careful, and only go for the definite single touches – and I ended up losing the bout. I was tentative and overthought it. In the third bout, I said “fuck it: I’m just going to jump on every opening that I see. I’m going to put the pressure on/raise the intensity/tempo, and take every opening”. I won 5-0. Now I wish it was always that simple, but the point remains about
getting back to the basics of tempo/timing/feeling and TRUSTING myself and LETTING GO. As Bill would say, if you are thinking in a bout, you are already too late. Go with the feeling.
The challenge with this, though – is that when the going gets tough in a DE bout, or when things ARENT working (say you are down, and time is running out, or they have priority), just letting it flow is not enough. You have to have the presence of mind between touches to analytically diagnose what went wrong, adjust, and then get back into the flow during touches. That’s really hard. I think in those brief moments between touches, continuing just to focus on my breathing when things are flowing; and to allow myself ONE tactical thought for the next touch is all I should do. I will play around with thinking about tactics and not thinking about tactics at this camp.
At more of the tournament level, we discussed good performances of mine. I talked about how in the world cups, I’m just trying to survive, and there’s no space to overthink or be afraid of failure. I also talked about Pan Ams, when nothing felt on the line. Christian pointed out that my mindset in all of these was
“fuck it, I’m just going to go for it.” Need to harness that mentality for the road ahead.
